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July 30, 2005

Store Review: Covington Wal-Mart

The new Wal-Mart in Covington, Washington is tailored for Northwest shoppers. Using traditional materials like wood and brick, the store immediately has a more upscale feel than your traditional Wal-Mart, and shoppers are even blessed with natural light streaming through the large skylights on the roof. Is this an attempt by Wal-Mart to target the more affluent who are flocking to Covington and Maple Valley? If so, it's not working. Despite the upscale look and feel, this Wal-Mart has the same disgusting customers found at all Wal-Marts.

Once you've parked your car, you'll immediately notice shopping carts haphazardly placed all over the parking lot. For some reason Wal-Mart customers seem unable or unwilling to put their carts away.

Sadly, despite being the best looking Wal-Mart I have ever seen in my life, their clientele remains as pear-shaped as ever. The Covington Wal-Mart contains, instead of a McDonalds, a Subway. Eat Fresh! Jennifer and I decided to dive in and try some food there. Well, she did. I decided better of it when the person making her sandwich said "We don't got Swiss cheese no more." Then drool came out of her mouth and she said "Duh!" Well, maybe I'm exaggerating a little, but only a little.

The store is amazingly well laid out, and it's a great place to buy stuff cheap. Just plug your nose first.

Posted by March at 10:21 PM

July 12, 2005

Brad Pitt Supposedly Has the Flu

Uh-oh!

Actor Brad Pitt has been hospitalized with a flu-like illness. Pitt, 41, checked himself into an undisclosed Los Angeles area hospital Monday night complaining of flu-like symptoms, his publicist Cindy Guagenti said Tuesday. There were no other details and the name of the hospital wasn't disclosed for security reasons.

Pitt was in Ethiopia last week with his "Mr. & Mrs. Smith" co-star Angelina Jolie to pick up the actress's newly adopted baby girl, the second child she has adopted. Guagenti said it wasn't known if the actor contracted the illness while in Africa.

"I think he has the flu," the spokeswoman said.

Sorry, Brad. It's not the flu you have, it's syphilis. I checked some online databases and stuff, and you know they're always 100% accurate. I mean, this is just this doctors opinion. Wait, I'm not a doctor. I don't even have my Master's Degree.

And you can't catch syphilis in Africa. Unless by "Africa" you mean Angelina Jolie's oobajooba.

Posted by March at 04:13 PM

July 09, 2005

The Terrorists Have Won

Almost four years after the tragic events of 9/11, life still isn't back to normal. In a way, that's good. The heightened security keeps similar tragedies from occurring. But at the same time, that's bad. Because the people in charge of our security... are idiots.

I know, it's dangerous to criticize the good ol' TSA. They might put me on a watchlist or something. Well, clearly they've put my wife on one. Because EVERY SINGLE TIME she flies, she has to go through special screening. And when she left for Redding yesterday, they put her through the worst screening of all.

First off, I should say that my wife was running a little bit late, which was my fault. And she was in a bit of a hurry. I don't know if this is why they decided to give her worse treatment than usual. Usually they take her aside, use the wand on her, all that. But yesterday that wasn't enough. This time some obese woman used the "back of her hand" to feel my wife's breasts and other private parts. Humiliating. Absolutely humiliating. And why? Is it even POSSIBLE that this is going to protect us from some sort of terror attack?!

Remember back on Sesame Street, they had a game... it was Which of These Things is Not Like the Other...

Let's play that game today.

Which of these things is not like the other?
Which of these things is not like the same?
Can you guess which thing is not like the other?
Now it's time to play our game! It's time to play our game!

Three of these are terrorists wanted by the FBI. One of these is NOT! Can you guess which one it is?!

Yet everytime my wife goes to the airport, she is picked out of the crowd to go through a special screening process, both when she used her maiden name, and now that she is married. Keep in mind that my wife is 5'2", weighs anywhere in the range of 100lbs, sometimes a little less, sometimes a little more, and tends to wear tight fitting clothing that you couldn't possibly hide anything in. Yesterday she was wearing a cute Cookie Monster shirt, form-fitting jeans, and a cute cowboy hat. Does the TSA REALLY expect to find something in her underwear?! Is this really an efficient use of our security resources? I realize that we're not supposed to be racially profiling, but why? Look at the list of terrorist fugitives that are most wanted by the FBI. Do you notice anything about them? That doesn't mean you interrogate everyone just because they are of a certain race. It just means you CONFINE your special searches to those who are most likely to be committing terrorist acts. Here's a hint TSA... that doesn't mean doing special searches on 20-year-old nursing students whose list of favorite people include Teddy Roosevelt and Ronald Reagan.

But it gets worse. Because airports aren't the friendly places they used to be. I remember in college, one day we decided to go to the airport and watch the planes. So we went, and we went through security, and then we just sat there and watched the planes take off. We even brought a video camera, as one of my friends needed footage for a school project.

And when you had a friend who was coming into town, you and your friends would go meet them at the gate. Or when your loved one was heading off somewhere for the week, you would walk them to the gate, watch their plane back away from the terminal, and eventually take off.

Now, none of this is allowed. Sea-Tac just spent $126 million on a new expansion of their terminal, with a 60 foot tall, 350 foot long glass window, allowing people to view planes as they take off, while they eat at almost a dozen new restaurants.

Unfortunately, this area, which was designed before 9/11, is now off-limits to many of the people it was intended for. I couldn't accompany Jennifer to her gate, even if I wanted to, and I certainly would have wanted to if I'd known what would happen to her yesterday. After she got felt up, she was confronted by a brand new terminal that she was unfamiliar with. She hasn't flown since 2003, and she didn't know where to go. She ended up crying. She's on the other side of this ridiculous security area, crying. I didn't know this, of course, and even if I did I couldn't do anything about it. Why?! I don't KNOW!!!

I don't see what the danger is in letting people without tickets through. It's obviously not done to enhance security, because a determined terrorist is just going to buy a ticket if they must get onto the other side. It is, perhaps, done to enhance the perception of security. That does seem to be the primary job of the TSA... to enhance the perception of security. Which is fine, because terrorists like to strike where security is lax. But it's infuriating to have to go through procedures that really do no good.

Let's really think about this. Why were terrorists able to hijack planes and crash them into the Twin Towers and the Pentagon?

1) Because the items allowed on airplanes were ridiculously lax. Is there a reason people should be allowed to bring boxcutters onto a plane? No.

2) Because passengers didn't do anything about it, nor would they be expected to, since historically terrorists just wanted to use them to bargain for something. Sit tight and everyone will likely be just fine. As we saw in PA, once people realized what was happening, this was no longer the case. This change had nothing to do with security procedures, but rather the heroic and independent will of Americans, who would rather risk their own lives than allow the plane they were in to be used as a weapon.

We have since banned just about anything that could possibly be used to hijack or harm an airplane and it's passengers. Yet that isn't enough for the TSA. Apparently there's a possibility that my wife has hidden some sort of undetectable weapon in her panties. The TSA better check it out.

After all of this, I couldn't help but thinking, indeed, the terrorists have won. They haven't succeeded in bringing down any more skyscrapers, or committing any terrorist acts within our borders. But they have succeeded in creating a useless bureaucracy of unaccountable workers who have little respect for those who are using our airlines to travel. Jennifer isn't a terrorist threat. She's a pawn. They use her to prove that they search everybody, regardless of race or profile or possibility that they are a terrorist. The TSA has an important mission for this country. We need them to do their jobs effectively and efficiently. That means profiling the people who would be terrorists, just like the police would profile a serial killer, and then targetting THEM for intensive searches. If that means being politically incorrect, so be it. The TSA's job is to keep the public safe, not keep certain interest groups happy.

Posted by March at 06:57 PM | Comments (0)